Blank screen and blinking curser
Like an eye that condemns for not thinking hard enough.
But I can’t help the clouded thoughts,
It’s not my fault the rusty wheels forgot which way to turn.
Was it forward or backwards that lead us to believe in the unimaginable,
Did I really think my thoughts could touch the entire world?
The fabric of life is silk- not spandex
and so by default,
It can’t be my fault
that I can only reach so far.
I watched cars come and go and stop and continue on,
the effortless gliding of a big titanic machine lick the snow off the ground with its tires
the static in between blew through each air hole of a snow flake
I began to miss the sound of your shoes kiss the tiles of the ground as you made your way through the doors of the kitchen,
come up behind me and hold me with the same static in your breath against my ears,
I closed my eyes, felt the wet chill against my cheek and felt it melt my vision to the edge of my zipper,
I am standing with water in my shoes and hunger in the same hands that are missing you,
the same eyes that look for you in every window of the cars passing by.
Why do you taunt me from your bed?
Pouring out your darkness
And filling up my head
The sky and all it’s vastness
I am empty- just like you,
There is no brightness within me
Like when stars are just a few
staying up and hiding
when sun, it’s calling me
But I’ll meet you the same time
Because you cannot let me be
I miss the taste of rest
My mind cries comfort to my heart
And still nothing can ease me
Please let my mind depart
I miss the taste of purpose
And confirmation in my state
Confirm in me that truth exists
And I’ll give you a clean slate
Are you happy, dear night
With all the darkness that is your being?
Chasing away even
the shadows on the ceiling
Are you satisfied, restless in the sky
Still taunting like a duty?
Just let me close my eyes for now
so I can “enjoy your beauty”
I am sitting away from all,
my comforts all are lost
Hoping for an ounce of peace,
what is the final cost?
I want to live in a round house
with no corners that cast dark shadows
We live our entire life made up of square boxes
a box to drive in
a box to work in
a box to sleep in
a box to eat in
a box to die in
We are confined
surrounded by the saddest part of the structure
that always manage
to steal the darkest part of the light,
that pessimistic crevice.
I want to live in a way that
I’m reminded the world is round
with no boxes
Everyone’s running around trying to make this a great birthday. They’re grabbing the gifts, they’re getting the cards, they’re running last minute errands in attempt to make this day “perfect”. But I was serious when I said I didn’t want anything at all; I just wanted to be surrounded by family and friends today- that’s all. Then please explain to me how it’s 7 pm and I’m still sitting in my room alone?
This may be one of the loneliest birthday’s I have ever experienced…
drown me in your light,
slipping through the cracks
of my window
and onto the photo of us beside my bed,
flood my lungs with the thought of you
it’s like I’m barely breathing
when you smile back at me,
you carry bits of sun in your breast pocket
and the rest behind your eyes
bright with beauty,
drenching me in the thought of you,
I will swim until I drown-
engulf me in your skin
Trying to over-eat
is just as much of an eating disorder as any-
trying to control a few-
but you can’t judge the weight of the heart that I carry
Why should I be put down simply because my frame is much smaller?
Last time I checked- No, you were not my creator or author-
Since when did skinny-bashing become the norm?
You cannot judge me
Just like this- I was born
Because it doesn’t look healthy to who- my doctor? or you-
You wouldn’t know beauty if it were right under your shoe-
Since when did you claim the right to judge if I’m pretty?
And I’d still be attractive if I were big or itty bitty
I am perfectly me-you cannot control what I think
With small frame and head proud- I’ll walk with a smile and a wink-
I’ve sat retracing the lines etched in your lips
to see if I could find the words you choose to keep
And watched you breathing with passive eyes- closed
And troubled because there wasn’t a time I’ve seen them weep
Do they haunt you-maybe- as though they shake you still
The memories- the outer banks- a River you consumed
I know you’re beating- feeling still- I’ve seen it in your chest
The way it Raises and it falls- gloriously- Vacuumed
You are just a face
imprinted in the mind-
Someday you’ll search within yourself
and see what you can find
But for now,
you’re just a face
a stranger passing by
And you’ll disappear from view
Like a cloud within the Sky -
“All too often you speak simply to fill the space with sound, because you feel too uncomfortable with the silence. But this silence is golden. Only in silence you can hear God speak to you. Only in silence can a real prayer, a heart prayer be born. Next time you start chattering, stop and feel into the silence, feel its shape, its texture, and then slowly and silently say only what really has to be said.”
She is a poem in herself,
such a blessing to see-
You painted me in melodies
So I would get lost in the corners of your song,
And so viciously trapped me between the meetings of your lips,
And took from me the colors I’ve hidden ,
very deeply beneath my bitten fingernails,
And out they came, pouring out of you.
But they were mine, I could have sworn it,
You sang my black
and made it Blue